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April 28 My Spirit Is Breaking FreeThis weekend I spent a fairly spontaneous vacation in Vancouver with my dear friend ( who I tend to fight with 3 months out of a year ) Rebecca and her fiance Jason and visited with a good friend who we will call Mark on here ;)
Anyways on Saturday after noon I sat on the patio of a restaurant in Lonsdale Quay, it was sunny, with a crisp breeze and we drank wine and chatted bout everything and nothing. I looked out at the water and wondered where am I meant to be. I felt in that moment I belonged there. But of course I did, as I drank my 4th glass of rose wine and listened to the Latin musician play below us on the boardwalk. Everything felt right.
I sat there with the incredible urge to write as I did not want to forget the dance my mind was doing. Its not something I will forget as I am sitting here still trying to understand why my mind danced as it did. Was it the wine? The view? The scenes of freedom I felt? The friends? The romantic air? What was it? And as I write this I am realizing its me. I am not rooted in any place. I feel love for someone, yet am so afraid of the approval of others. Why? I am so free in my spirit that the idea of becoming routine and "normal" or acceptable in society is not something I can digest.
I see the line ups we all stand in, our lives are one big line . We wait in line to board the plane, we walk in a line as we get off, we wit in line for a cab from the air port. We walk in line to our offices, we all follow the rules and few of us are content in not standing in the lines of society. Its rude to budge and rude to push ppl to move faster. I don't want to be in line. I have never been very patient in line ups. Line ups keep us in order and keep things moving at a safe pace.
I'm struggling because of my lack in accepting society's rules and regulations. I want to be free, to live and enjoy life. I want to move now but I am pulled in two directions. Is it more responsible to stay because its stable, or is it more to please the ppl around us? I feel my body pulling me in a wild variety of directions. I am not content in being in your line. I don't not want to spend my life in the safety of society's controlled chaos. I want to break free and live.
I don't know what this means, part of me whats to be told what to do, but at the same time it defeats what I already know. I'm falling in love with someone, its not a feeling I have ever in my life felt. Its not a love that will be easy because its two free spirits that dance to a beat of our own. Its exciting. I have no idea if I will move, but I know that I cannot stand in lines. So this is very exciting as I was trying to figure out a way to be in society and still be happy. I am happy to be a part of the world, just not in your lines and on your path. I'm making my own path and its not a journey one will walk its a journey that will be danced. Even if its with my heart .
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